Confidential report upon the nervous constitution
Electro-Spiritual Confusion
Catalogued as a Neural Humoral Displacement
Fig. I. — The patient’s condition as observed through the ætheric lens.
Attending Observations
The patient exhibits symptoms of being caught betwixt the material and the metaphysical, their essence adrift in the aether. The humming of wires and the glow of screens appear to have temporarily displaced their humors, leaving them suspended between realms.
Probable Cause
The patient appears to suffer from prolonged exposure to the ethereal currents of the modern age, compounded by an excess of electromagnetic effluvia and the gravitational pull of celestial disorientation.
Complaints Entered
Argues on the internet · Cosmically misplaced · Excessive screen exposure · Irrational confidence · Lives near electrical wiring · Memory fog · Racing thoughts · Sense of impending destiny · Uncertainty regarding mirrors · Unexplained buzzing · Works after sundown
The prescribed course
Treatment & Regulation
- Daily immersion in natural moonlight
- Tea brewed with lavender and crushed quartz
- Evenings spent in candlelit repose
- Journaling in pale blue ink
- Listening to the compositions of Handel played upon a pianoforte tuned to celestial frequencies
Prognosis
With careful avoidance of electric apparatus and reflective surfaces, and a regimen of moonlit strolls and chamomile infusions, the patient may gradually realign with their earthly tethers.